I feel the need

Sometimes something makes you think alot, and you just feel the need to respond, and I'm not quite sure where this will go and if it should be here, but msn conversation boxes are too small to write this all there. I feel a little bit bad I guess. Because of what I was allowed to read, to look into someone else's thoughts can be very revealing and also made me think alot about myself and why I did some things/what I really thought.

I knew I wanted him, somewhere inside me, but I also was scared of the uncertainty of that where as I had someone, and they were already mine, I also happened to love them so it was very difficult to work out quite what I wanted. To start with I just realised I had feelings for him but it wasn't until I started thinking that I wasn't happy with what I already had that something happened. The fact it felt so right meant my heart took over rather than my head and things didn't happen in the way I would have chosen them to, had I been able to step out and think properly about it all and decide, knowing what I know now. I was also so entangled in my own confusing thoughts that I didn't give much thought to how he may have been feeling. Though if you ask Sophie, you'd find out that I do think a bit, its just I can be a rather confused person, and I tend to change my mind sooo much about everything just because I doubt easily, because I'm scared about something or other.

Once it was over with the over, at first, because I was scared of it being over, and because I thought I would miss the good times, and having some one who cared about me like that, and I loved him still, so I didn't want to give up on that I guess, and for a very short time I thought the ex was who I wanted more, hence any confusion that may have been caused. I didn't know what I wanted either. When you're in a close place with someone, even if it isn't right and you really want someone else, it can be scary to leave that place and sometimes that means you think you don't want to. But the necessary blow from the ex made me come to my senses and allowed me to move on, something that I actually wanted to do, just didn't know, and was scared to do/thought I wouldn't be able to. Maybe I did need more time at some points, definately at others, but I guess it was good to know that it was what he still wanted. I guess it helped in the long run. Now I know what I want, although memories always sometimes cause doubt but I know really that this is right, and this is better for me. This is what was supposed to happen, just maybe not the way it did.

2008 and 2009

Well it's that time of year again when we decide we should look back to the years that's been and forward to the one that is to come. So starting with 2008, some things I have learnt -

You can make all the plans in the world but sometimes things will just happen the way they want to.
If you're going to try and have intimate relations whilst out somewhere with wood, take cushions.
I can do my own washing, although it is inevitable that something will end up smaller than it was to start with.
Things, and people, can change so much in such a short amount of time
Trust your inuition, it is probably right.
Leaving Uni work to the last minute, it is not a good idea, especially when it involves making a short film
Making friends is a lot easier when drinking has occurred
No matter how against drinking lots of alcohol you are before going to Uni, you will still end up drunk a lot of the time
Things happen that you will regret
Karma does (probably) exist.

Well that be just a few things, I'm sure there is so much more I have learnt and just don't remember having done so this year now. So much has happened and changed this past year. I have really had three completely different stages of this year when I have been with different guys and despite the upset I wouldn't change the majority of it all, it was so much fun but now having gone to Uni I am so different but still think there is more needed to change until I am completely happy with myself. So onto next year and some resolutions -

1) Get healthier/fitter
2) Try not to get drunk every single night and do some work, get sleep instead
3) Also try not to get banned from the SU again this year
4) Work harder
5) Go to more of the society stuff and make more/closer friends
6) Learn to trust people more and be less easily jealous
7) Get better at dancing
8) Get more confident
9) Sort some stuffs out
10) Get a job
11) Learn to cook/be tidier and stuffs

There are probably more, I'm not sure at the moment, and having looked at last years, some things will also be a resolution and may never completely be achieved but we can give it ago and aslong as I keep trying that's what matters, I guess, maybe anyway. But anyways enough about me (even though this is my blog and all :P) I hope you all had a great Christmas and I hope you all have a brilliant new year and that 2009, for all of us, is the best year yet. :)

Let's just see what happens. . .

As the title suggests I've not really an idea of what I am going to say in this post. I feel the need to write but I am not sure quite what. Having recently discovered that at least one ex knows the whereabouts of this blog and knowing that the other and the current bf are aware of its existence also makes me much more cautious as to what to write not because I have things I want to necessarily hide but just things it would maybe best not for me to say just yet or at all on a blog. Never the less this place has always been my outlet for those things I just couldn't say to anyone directly and its use can be very beneficial. I think as my brain is hungover, possibly in fact still a little drunk, and in a kind of random rambling mood that is what I shall do. I think I am happy right now but I do not know. I've had sad thoughts over the holidays because at Uni it is easy to forget the past, yet here there are so many things laced with memories that my thoughts tend to wander to the past more. It's not that I want to be back there, well o.k I would love to go back for a week but that is all, I am different, and as enjoyable as the past was, I am happier to be where I am now. Although the main thing that makes me slightly unhappy is the way in which I have got to where I am now. If only we could change the past.

But anyways, to the future and now. As I said I do believe I am happy yet I am also apprehensive. Both times I have got really close to someone, it has ended in misery. The second, for a lot less time, but the first time, it was a very long time before I managed to really get over it despite it being my own doing, and what I knew was the right thing to happen. Now the main reason I am most apprehensive about allowing such a closeness to happen (tho it is very much already underway) is that this time seems much more like the first than the last one. The most recent relationship I was in, I never thought would last forever, to start with I didn't see it lasting the summer although it did and it was awesome and I did end up loving him but I still knew even then it would end. I was also (apart from maybe a month in the summer) never really as comfortable around him or able to be completely myself, I still felt like an outsider. With M and now E, I felt so comfortable with them straight away, and completely able to be myself and not care. With S it wasn't like that. With M, I thought it would last forever, maybe I was a lot more naive then, but I loved him so much and it seemed like he was my soul mate. Things change however and now this is something I fear - People and situations changing (which is, really, inevitable) because that often spells the end. I guess what I'm trying to get at here, is the fact I see so many similarities between the beginning of my relationship with M and E and between M and E themselves and as I know how the one with M ended and how long it took me to get over that, that I'm scared to allow myself to get as close again especially not now but I tend not to be able to stop myself. Another thing I wish I had the ability to stop however is my insecurity and jealousy. I guess I judge people by how I am, which means I don't find it particularly easy to trust people and also I don't think I am that great so don't see why anyone wouldn't rather choose someone else over me. I think perhaps I should think about these things when I make my new years resolutions.

And I thought it couldn't get any worse.

The ex has a new girlfriend. This was a huge blow to me, especially being so soon. Not just because it means he's moved on but also because I hadn't given up hope of being able to convinve him when we were both back home in reality to forgive me and take me back but it seems he hadn't been exactly fully truthful with me before we broke up and he doesn't love me anymore. That pretty much sucks and is one of the worse feelings you can possibly imagine. Now I know what it felt like to be M, the guy I fell out of love with. It seems what goes around really does come back around. Now when I first found out he no longer loved me I was the closest to suicidal I've ever been. I hadn't been ready to move on, to let go of the hope, but it was the past I wanted, to relive what had happened before. The awesome summer. I don't think it would have ever been the same - maybe it would but it seems unlikely, Uni changes people so much but still, I wasn't ready to let go. I now have to as there is no chance I can make him love me if he doesn't. That's pretty hard to take, but I guess the fact he has a new gf even though that hurts like hell it is going to help to encourage me to move on quicker. Not that, that is easy. I was in a pretty bad state for a few days and still have my moments. Even though it was over before, it felt like it happened all over again when I read the text that ended my world momentarily. It seems so weird now as everything has changed so dramatically so quickly. I wonder often whether if I hadn't have f*cked it up we would still be together but I then think even if we had have been it would have been a lie. His heart clearly wasn't in it anymore anyway. What happened did happen for a reason because it needed to end, for him perhaps more than for me at this time but int he future it will come to have been necessary for both. That's how life works, I believe everything happens for a reason and I have most definately grown stronger and will never cheat again. I think I said that before but then I had a minor digression but Im slowly heading back towards becoming a better person. I hope. Now I have a new outlook. Life is for living and that is what I am trying to do. I also have much wider hopes and ambitions which perhaps I'd lost sight of because I was in love. I don't plan to allow myself to get too deep feelings for anyone too soon or to commit myself to becoming just one half of a whole again. Not until I've worked out who I am, what I want, and that there is a whole person in me. Not just a half that needs another to live or be happy. It might be tough, and I'm sure I'll have my weak moments when I all I want is him back or another in his place but I hope I can move on, and acheive what I want to and above all, stay as strong as I need to be and I can.

Lost

I think it is safe to say I am feeling pretty low right now and the worst part? It's basically all my own fault. I was a bitch. I cheated on the person who was my boyfriend at the time. I wish I hadn't. I'm not generally a bitch, I didn't do it to hurt him, I didn't think and I really really wish I could take it back, change it and make everything ok. It hurts me to think I may have caused him any pain. He is too good a person to deserve that.

The result of it (as obviousely I had to tell him and consequently end up single) was something I guess I thought had to happen anyway as our relationship was anything but perfect. Uni really is a bitch of a situation. Anything you thought before, any plans you had, all gone and replaced with new thoughts and plans and ideas. I thought it could work, knew it would be hard but possible and even though technically it could have done it didn't feel right, it didn't feel like it was working. I guess (before I went and f*cked it up) we were both partly to blame for this, we just weren't talking much and it felt like we were letting ourselves drift apart because of the fact we had begin to live such seperate lives and couldn't spend that much time together due to the distance we now are apart and the fact we only really have weekends free. So I knew I guess in my heart that we would end up apart sooner or later but I didn't want it to be like this because even though we talked quite normally yesterday I still expect he dislikes me to some extent and I don't know if a close friendship between us is going to be possible but I hope it is because I need him. I need him to still love me because I still love him so much. I'm definately going to need a lot of time to get over him as I realised last night when out. All songs in this world seem to be about love and relationships in some way or just be songs that remind me of him which meant after the initial fake high I hit a low and just started crying in the middle of the dance floor. I felt this before with the last ex, who I also knew I had to part with however much I didn't want to but the feeling never gets any easier. It definately takes time, so much time sometimes. At the moment I just feel a bit lost having to adjust to everything. Just like before I've hidden all reminders, I will wear the neclace he bought me again, I will display the pictures of us, but not right now. Maybe that's not the right way to go about it, hiding away but it is the easiest. To forget, pretend.

My feelings of misery weren't really helped last night as I was rather drunk and managed to cause myself pain which in turn caused me to have panic attacks. I don't think that was helped by the mixture of all the other feelings inside me because even before the actual panic attacks I had been feeling anxious about life now, and the lonliness of it. It's not that there aren't other people that are there for me but sometimes all the people, all the attention and all the love in the world can't help you when all you want is one person there for you.

Now, after having had panic attacks, I can see me having others, just because I know now what they are like and they are scary so the fear of having one is probably going to make me atleast anxious. My confidence has also been hugely knocked and everything at the moment seems like a struggle and small things that I hopefully will be able to deal with another time, today feel like huge unbreakable obstacles.

This is not a nice feeling, to keep myself busy trying to substain fake highs but always hitting the lows, however much I do, however much I drink, and feeling as if I'll always feel down, feeling so low.

I miss him, I want so much for him to turn up here and just hold me. But now, that just wont happen.

Are some things too hard to understand?

Boys just don't get somethings do they. I'm not saying we females are perfect, I'm sure there are many a thing we don't get about guys either. But, the fact I may well want a happy non-hungover boyfriend on my birthday is surely not that hard to understand. I have to say if he turns up on my birthday in a moody state due to having got drunk the night before and isn't up for drinking and partying in the evening I will be rather annoyed. I wouldn't normally mind but my birthday is surely the one day I can demand somethings. If there is one thing that I have learnt about relationships whilst at Uni it is that long distance relationships are hard. There are so many issues and problems. Finding the time and money to visit each other being you would think the hardest but finding the time to talk to each other is actually the hardest even though it needn't be. My boyfriend never likes to be in his room preferring to hang around with friends around the university which is fair enough for the most part. Uni is about having fun and meeting new people aferall but surely if he loves me as much as he has said he does he would sometimes think actually I am going to go sit in my room for a few hours and talk on msn. But when we are talking on msn or on the phone there is hardly any conversation not nearly as much as you would expect from two people in love who hardly see each other. This exact problem was indeed the cause of a short break up just over a week ago yet has anything changed? Can anything change. Can the relationship continue. I just don't know if his heart is really in it anymore. It hurts to think about that.

You have to become someone else to know who you really are.

I've just hit that point. The moment when I've realised I have alot of work to do. It's been parties, social social social. Fun. I laughed at the work people at other Uni's seemed to be doing but now it has come back to me and I'm feeling pretty swamped right now. I'm not behind as such, no one else has done much more than myself but still, it suddenly all feels a bit more real and frightening.

It took several weeks, two trips home, and a trip to the boyfriend before this phase of my life stopped being an odd dream and became a reality - my real life. Right now. It has also stopped feeling quite so seperate from the outer word. I've gained perspective of the whole picture. I'm not just a student here, life at home is still there, just waiting for me to return. That doesn't however stop this here, being so completely strange, emotional and stressfull. But it's also so much fun. Being thrown so completely out of my comfort zone so suddenly reall takes a lot of getting used to and I lost all sense of me, all sense of real and became someone else. I'm slowly rediscovering who is me. Which doesnt just mean going back to what I was before I started here or becoming a completely new person it's a mix. I'm what I was, I'm what I am, I'm finding what I liked about past me, and what I didn't, what needs to go or be altered to make me better to make me happy, to make me me.

Ronan Keating was right . . .

. . . Life really is a rollercoaster. I get very confused because of the rate at which my feelings and emotions change. Currently however there are two main things that are causing me problems. The first shall remain breifly mention for now, although there is a chance I may decide to edit it in later. Basically though it involves me being scared by ex will forget me completely when I want desperately to remain his best friend and also the fact that it hurts to think of him introducing his new gf to his parents like he did me, to think of him holding her and telling her he loves her, and worshipping her and adoring her more than anyone and anything in the world like he once did me and like I still in some way, do him. The second has quite a bit to do with the possibility of going to Uni in September. I don't yet know if I am as I'm yet to get my results from my A Levels but for this purpose I am presuming it is most likley. Also I am presuming my current bf will be too. And there lies the issue. Since we got together I've known it would be likely to be short lived and I expect he thought that too. It was an unspoken part of the deal it was just a casual bit of fun, I didn't want anymore especially after having just come out of a year long relationship, that was what I thought anyway. But it seems things never do go to plan. However much I may have tried (and I really have) to stop myself becoming too attached I failed. I think I have started to like him more than I've ever liked most people (I don't know if I'll ever like anyone as much as the ex but the current bf shouldn't take that as an insult or a 'I'd rather still be with the ex' because if that was the case I would be, it is more that it just happens that we have such a strong connection, I think so anyway and I love him so much, in a best friend way, that it would take an awful lot for me to like somewhen more) which although normally would be something I would try and avoid just because close attachment has to much fear of upset if it all goes wrong, in this case is worse because of the inevitable ending in a month or two. Even if he did want to actually stay with me (which considering he's likely to meet lots of posh, cleverer, more attractive girls who all want to get with him is very unlikely anyway) then I can't see it would ever work. Firslty I think he is probably almost as insecure and jealous a person as I am (most likely not as jealous as me as I get small feelings of jealousy even if he just talks to a girl I consider to be of reasonable attractiveness but that is prob more a trust issue and my insecureness) so I think both of us would spend too much time wondering if the other was cheating. Also part of me thinks it would be harder to stay together and not be able to see each other for months and months than to not be together and move on. I definately think in that case there would be the strong temptation on both sides to cheat and I would just see it ending after a while if not before we go. the fact remains though I really don't want it to. I don't know how he feels, sometimes I think he wont want it to either, but othertimes my pessimistic side comes out and I think he problem actually wont care that much and will be over me and with other Uni girls in a week. I guess I wont know unless I ask but if I don't want to bring the topic up until it really has to be spoken about. But it doesn't stop me thinking about it all the time. And crying myself to sleep at the thought of soon not being able to see so many people that are close to me for months if not years. I know it will be over in 3 years, maybe less if I fail or quit but it is still quite a long time and I'm a young girl, its an unwritten law that I should be dramatic.

I'm not really sure why I feel the need to post these thoughts but I do and it seems this is the best place to put them as although it is a public blog the liklihood of anyone I actually know stumbling accross it is low and I guess it might be good to tell the people involved these things I feel but its much too hard to share them with those that could either help or make things so much worse.

I thought things may have changed back but can it really ever be the same?

Well having just read back the last blog I posted quite a while ago now it seems very strange to think that although some things are different other things don't seem to have changed at all.

I am still with new guy but I haven't forgotten the ex. I now feel slightly closer to the 'new' guy who is no longer very new but I am still not as comfortable with him as I am with a lot of people. I currently can't imagine myself ever being as close to anyone else as I was with the ex. I am now very close friends with the ex again and we seem to have got over the awkward stage and even though there are aspects of him that annoy/dissapoint/upset me he is my best friend. Trouble is because we are now capable of having a laugh like we used to and are close it makes me wonder even more so if I did the right thing. Now I am quite sure that I did at the time but I think there is a part of me at the back of my mind thinking that maybe in the future I'll end up back with him but as time goes by I see this as more and more unlikely. Although also due to aspects of his personality this is mainly due to the fact I feel I have become so close we have crossed some imaginary line that means we can't go back and can't be close than friends and I think I would find being with him very strange indeed. Now this doesn't stop me thinking but I still love him. Don't get me wrong though, I am still very happy with 'new' guy so that doesn't particularly help the situation although I think our relationship is inevitably going to be short lived because we will soon both be at Uni's far from each other. So for now I think I'm going to go with the flow so to speak and see what happens/if what I truly want ever becomes clearer.

This feels a bit like confessions.

I think I'm OK with writing this as I don't think either of the people mostly involved will read this and I think it would be OK if they did.

There's different types of love, the one where you feel so comfortable with someone even if you hardly know them and can't imagine not being with them and there's the crush type where you go all giggly and run away whenever they're about.

The trouble with the first type - it either ends in a lifelong relationship or heartache. In this case it's the second. It isn't either of our faults though, but I was the one to utter those dreaded words 'perhaps we should just be friends'. We both knew it was going to happen though, and he understood the reasons, at least I hope he did and wasn't just saying it. Love can be amazing, especially this type, the one where they're not your normal type, or you can't describe why you love them so much but the problem comes when that feeling, that thing that you can't describe or pinpoint goes, and you're left with nothing. I thought after everything, there would still be a close unbreakable bond but there doesn't seem to be, perhaps it will reappear over time but at the moment I feel I've lost him forever. I long for that feeling, that person I loved before but there doesn't seem any chance that will come back.

There's also another guy. Something that means my emotions are in a complete muddle and I have no idea what I really feel or think, well I know what feel at the moment but I've no idea if it will last. Because for this guy, it's the second type of 'love'. The love that is more a crush. Now sometimes these crushes turn into something and sometimes they don't but there is no way of knowing beforehand. I don't feel totally comfortable around him, in fact I'm constantly aware of what I say and do and think it is only a matter of time before I do or say something that makes him think why do I like her? I considered this guy to be out of my league, to be the sort of guy you always think 'would be cool to f*** him' but never think there's a chance of it actually happening so the fact this guy likes me is confusing. This guy isn't currently my boyfriend, but I'd also be lying if I said we were purely friends and that is confusing in itself. I know from what I have just said that you're probably thinking this guy is why I broke up with the previous guy. But it's not. That was always going to happen, we knew it, I knew it wayyy before I liked this new guy.

Actually if I'm being totally honest there's more to add here. Me and the last guy went on a break, and that was because I liked someone else who isn't the newest guy. I foolishly thought that all I needed or wanted was a break where I could get with that guy for a bit, get it out of my system, have some single time, then could go back to him and it would be back like it was at the beginning. I'd fall back in love with him, the spark would return. I was wrong. Whilst on the extremely short lasting break, I enquired about the other guy but found that he wasn't interested. Now I think now this was just a 'he's so different to the current guy I want him' kind of a crush but at the time I didn't realise but when I found he wasn't interested I went back to the original guy. I know that was the worse thing to do, but I was lonely, and I had exams and was stressed and needed one of his hugs that made me feel like everything was alright. So we ended up back together but it wasn't the same, I think we both knew really that it wouldn't last for long, we were being 'coupley' because we had to be, but we saw hardly any of each other outside of college but I thought perhaps it would work out, I still hoped it could go back to how it was.

Then comes along the new guy. He isn't the reason I broke up with the other one though. Knowing that he was there for me after was purely the encouragement and confidence I needed to break off my, over a year lasting, relationship that I had once loved so much. I had known, deep in my heart, at the back of my mind, for many many months, that things had changed that we were too different for it to last much longer but I'm human I didn't want to end up alone and I kept remembering the past and thinking about how good it had been and trying to think about the current state of affairs. Occasionally during that time it did seem like it was returning to the good times, but towards the end of the relationship it was clear those times had been lost forever. However strongly I had once loved him, however much I still did and however how much I knew he loved me, I knew, we both knew, that it was pointless to continue. Now, it seems that we have so little in common, are so different in every aspect that without a relationship forcing us together we can't even be close friends.

I keep seeing things he bought me, things I bought when with him, things that just remind me of him for some small reason and it makes me sad, makes me feel empty, I feel something like minor grieving for that past feeling (why didn't I realise how good it was at the time, I don't think I made the most of it), makes me wonder if I've done the right thing. I know, I think that I have, but all the time I can remember the good times I will long to be back there. I've been tempted a few times already to ask him if he'll have my back but I know I shouldn't, I can't. I took the photo of us two together down today, I hadn't been able to do so before, that's stupid I know. Besides, there's the new guy, although I've no idea where that will go or how long anything will last. I hardly know him really, and I'm still so nervous and shy around him, he may realise once he knows the real me he no longer likes me but that might just be my negative side coming out. Having ended with the other guy so little time ago (although it seems like ages) I don't know if I can be with this new guy, I don't know how it will affect the ex. I'm not sure I've totally adjusted to being apart from him yet, it's so weird being in that 'place' with someone who isn't him. New guy says things, does things that remind me of the ex and I feel guilty and sad. Also if/when whatever ends with new guy and I end up alone again, who knows whether I'll long to be back with the other guy or whether I'll know then for sure, that I did do the right thing. But for now, I think I just need time to adjust, time to let go of, but not to forget the good times.

2007 and 2008

Well firstly lets have a little recap or analysis of last year - 2007. It was rather eventful, what with my 18th birthday, learning to drive, exams and a death. I look back and it seems to all have rushed by and most of the events blur into one, a few things such as my 18th birhtday party and the summer of Potterness do stand out however and they were great but overall there are many things that happened last year that I perhaps would have liked to have gone differently and a few things seemed less exciting as I imagined they would be. I seem to have grown up, not necessarily in terms of my actual maturity as I've always been quite mature in some ways but I am now 18, can drive, and have been out into the 'adult world' of clubbing and pubs on friday nights. There has been a lot of doubts and confuzzlement over some things though and them, along with some other issues I would like to sort out this year. My actual new years eve yesterday wasn't that great but hopefully that won't be an indicator of what is to come this year, that was just the beginning of a fun packed year.

In 2008 I also want to just enjoy myself, well as much as I can in between revision and exams and coursework and choosing a Uni which will all be stressfull I'm sure. I want to go to more gigs (already got one to see the Spice Girls planned) go out clubbing, work hard when necessary, sort some stuff out and become more independant and happy within myself.

Wel that's what I want to happen, whether it will or whether I'll be saying similar things this time next year I don't know lol but Happy New Year to everyone and I hope, whether 2007 was good for you or not, that 2008 is better.