And I thought it couldn't get any worse.

The ex has a new girlfriend. This was a huge blow to me, especially being so soon. Not just because it means he's moved on but also because I hadn't given up hope of being able to convinve him when we were both back home in reality to forgive me and take me back but it seems he hadn't been exactly fully truthful with me before we broke up and he doesn't love me anymore. That pretty much sucks and is one of the worse feelings you can possibly imagine. Now I know what it felt like to be M, the guy I fell out of love with. It seems what goes around really does come back around. Now when I first found out he no longer loved me I was the closest to suicidal I've ever been. I hadn't been ready to move on, to let go of the hope, but it was the past I wanted, to relive what had happened before. The awesome summer. I don't think it would have ever been the same - maybe it would but it seems unlikely, Uni changes people so much but still, I wasn't ready to let go. I now have to as there is no chance I can make him love me if he doesn't. That's pretty hard to take, but I guess the fact he has a new gf even though that hurts like hell it is going to help to encourage me to move on quicker. Not that, that is easy. I was in a pretty bad state for a few days and still have my moments. Even though it was over before, it felt like it happened all over again when I read the text that ended my world momentarily. It seems so weird now as everything has changed so dramatically so quickly. I wonder often whether if I hadn't have f*cked it up we would still be together but I then think even if we had have been it would have been a lie. His heart clearly wasn't in it anymore anyway. What happened did happen for a reason because it needed to end, for him perhaps more than for me at this time but int he future it will come to have been necessary for both. That's how life works, I believe everything happens for a reason and I have most definately grown stronger and will never cheat again. I think I said that before but then I had a minor digression but Im slowly heading back towards becoming a better person. I hope. Now I have a new outlook. Life is for living and that is what I am trying to do. I also have much wider hopes and ambitions which perhaps I'd lost sight of because I was in love. I don't plan to allow myself to get too deep feelings for anyone too soon or to commit myself to becoming just one half of a whole again. Not until I've worked out who I am, what I want, and that there is a whole person in me. Not just a half that needs another to live or be happy. It might be tough, and I'm sure I'll have my weak moments when I all I want is him back or another in his place but I hope I can move on, and acheive what I want to and above all, stay as strong as I need to be and I can.