As the title suggests I've not really an idea of what I am going to say in this post. I feel the need to write but I am not sure quite what. Having recently discovered that at least one ex knows the whereabouts of this blog and knowing that the other and the current bf are aware of its existence also makes me much more cautious as to what to write not because I have things I want to necessarily hide but just things it would maybe best not for me to say just yet or at all on a blog. Never the less this place has always been my outlet for those things I just couldn't say to anyone directly and its use can be very beneficial. I think as my brain is hungover, possibly in fact still a little drunk, and in a kind of random rambling mood that is what I shall do. I think I am happy right now but I do not know. I've had sad thoughts over the holidays because at Uni it is easy to forget the past, yet here there are so many things laced with memories that my thoughts tend to wander to the past more. It's not that I want to be back there, well o.k I would love to go back for a week but that is all, I am different, and as enjoyable as the past was, I am happier to be where I am now. Although the main thing that makes me slightly unhappy is the way in which I have got to where I am now. If only we could change the past.
But anyways, to the future and now. As I said I do believe I am happy yet I am also apprehensive. Both times I have got really close to someone, it has ended in misery. The second, for a lot less time, but the first time, it was a very long time before I managed to really get over it despite it being my own doing, and what I knew was the right thing to happen. Now the main reason I am most apprehensive about allowing such a closeness to happen (tho it is very much already underway) is that this time seems much more like the first than the last one. The most recent relationship I was in, I never thought would last forever, to start with I didn't see it lasting the summer although it did and it was awesome and I did end up loving him but I still knew even then it would end. I was also (apart from maybe a month in the summer) never really as comfortable around him or able to be completely myself, I still felt like an outsider. With M and now E, I felt so comfortable with them straight away, and completely able to be myself and not care. With S it wasn't like that. With M, I thought it would last forever, maybe I was a lot more naive then, but I loved him so much and it seemed like he was my soul mate. Things change however and now this is something I fear - People and situations changing (which is, really, inevitable) because that often spells the end. I guess what I'm trying to get at here, is the fact I see so many similarities between the beginning of my relationship with M and E and between M and E themselves and as I know how the one with M ended and how long it took me to get over that, that I'm scared to allow myself to get as close again especially not now but I tend not to be able to stop myself. Another thing I wish I had the ability to stop however is my insecurity and jealousy. I guess I judge people by how I am, which means I don't find it particularly easy to trust people and also I don't think I am that great so don't see why anyone wouldn't rather choose someone else over me. I think perhaps I should think about these things when I make my new years resolutions.
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