Lost

I think it is safe to say I am feeling pretty low right now and the worst part? It's basically all my own fault. I was a bitch. I cheated on the person who was my boyfriend at the time. I wish I hadn't. I'm not generally a bitch, I didn't do it to hurt him, I didn't think and I really really wish I could take it back, change it and make everything ok. It hurts me to think I may have caused him any pain. He is too good a person to deserve that.

The result of it (as obviousely I had to tell him and consequently end up single) was something I guess I thought had to happen anyway as our relationship was anything but perfect. Uni really is a bitch of a situation. Anything you thought before, any plans you had, all gone and replaced with new thoughts and plans and ideas. I thought it could work, knew it would be hard but possible and even though technically it could have done it didn't feel right, it didn't feel like it was working. I guess (before I went and f*cked it up) we were both partly to blame for this, we just weren't talking much and it felt like we were letting ourselves drift apart because of the fact we had begin to live such seperate lives and couldn't spend that much time together due to the distance we now are apart and the fact we only really have weekends free. So I knew I guess in my heart that we would end up apart sooner or later but I didn't want it to be like this because even though we talked quite normally yesterday I still expect he dislikes me to some extent and I don't know if a close friendship between us is going to be possible but I hope it is because I need him. I need him to still love me because I still love him so much. I'm definately going to need a lot of time to get over him as I realised last night when out. All songs in this world seem to be about love and relationships in some way or just be songs that remind me of him which meant after the initial fake high I hit a low and just started crying in the middle of the dance floor. I felt this before with the last ex, who I also knew I had to part with however much I didn't want to but the feeling never gets any easier. It definately takes time, so much time sometimes. At the moment I just feel a bit lost having to adjust to everything. Just like before I've hidden all reminders, I will wear the neclace he bought me again, I will display the pictures of us, but not right now. Maybe that's not the right way to go about it, hiding away but it is the easiest. To forget, pretend.

My feelings of misery weren't really helped last night as I was rather drunk and managed to cause myself pain which in turn caused me to have panic attacks. I don't think that was helped by the mixture of all the other feelings inside me because even before the actual panic attacks I had been feeling anxious about life now, and the lonliness of it. It's not that there aren't other people that are there for me but sometimes all the people, all the attention and all the love in the world can't help you when all you want is one person there for you.

Now, after having had panic attacks, I can see me having others, just because I know now what they are like and they are scary so the fear of having one is probably going to make me atleast anxious. My confidence has also been hugely knocked and everything at the moment seems like a struggle and small things that I hopefully will be able to deal with another time, today feel like huge unbreakable obstacles.

This is not a nice feeling, to keep myself busy trying to substain fake highs but always hitting the lows, however much I do, however much I drink, and feeling as if I'll always feel down, feeling so low.

I miss him, I want so much for him to turn up here and just hold me. But now, that just wont happen.