And I thought it couldn't get any worse.

The ex has a new girlfriend. This was a huge blow to me, especially being so soon. Not just because it means he's moved on but also because I hadn't given up hope of being able to convinve him when we were both back home in reality to forgive me and take me back but it seems he hadn't been exactly fully truthful with me before we broke up and he doesn't love me anymore. That pretty much sucks and is one of the worse feelings you can possibly imagine. Now I know what it felt like to be M, the guy I fell out of love with. It seems what goes around really does come back around. Now when I first found out he no longer loved me I was the closest to suicidal I've ever been. I hadn't been ready to move on, to let go of the hope, but it was the past I wanted, to relive what had happened before. The awesome summer. I don't think it would have ever been the same - maybe it would but it seems unlikely, Uni changes people so much but still, I wasn't ready to let go. I now have to as there is no chance I can make him love me if he doesn't. That's pretty hard to take, but I guess the fact he has a new gf even though that hurts like hell it is going to help to encourage me to move on quicker. Not that, that is easy. I was in a pretty bad state for a few days and still have my moments. Even though it was over before, it felt like it happened all over again when I read the text that ended my world momentarily. It seems so weird now as everything has changed so dramatically so quickly. I wonder often whether if I hadn't have f*cked it up we would still be together but I then think even if we had have been it would have been a lie. His heart clearly wasn't in it anymore anyway. What happened did happen for a reason because it needed to end, for him perhaps more than for me at this time but int he future it will come to have been necessary for both. That's how life works, I believe everything happens for a reason and I have most definately grown stronger and will never cheat again. I think I said that before but then I had a minor digression but Im slowly heading back towards becoming a better person. I hope. Now I have a new outlook. Life is for living and that is what I am trying to do. I also have much wider hopes and ambitions which perhaps I'd lost sight of because I was in love. I don't plan to allow myself to get too deep feelings for anyone too soon or to commit myself to becoming just one half of a whole again. Not until I've worked out who I am, what I want, and that there is a whole person in me. Not just a half that needs another to live or be happy. It might be tough, and I'm sure I'll have my weak moments when I all I want is him back or another in his place but I hope I can move on, and acheive what I want to and above all, stay as strong as I need to be and I can.

Lost

I think it is safe to say I am feeling pretty low right now and the worst part? It's basically all my own fault. I was a bitch. I cheated on the person who was my boyfriend at the time. I wish I hadn't. I'm not generally a bitch, I didn't do it to hurt him, I didn't think and I really really wish I could take it back, change it and make everything ok. It hurts me to think I may have caused him any pain. He is too good a person to deserve that.

The result of it (as obviousely I had to tell him and consequently end up single) was something I guess I thought had to happen anyway as our relationship was anything but perfect. Uni really is a bitch of a situation. Anything you thought before, any plans you had, all gone and replaced with new thoughts and plans and ideas. I thought it could work, knew it would be hard but possible and even though technically it could have done it didn't feel right, it didn't feel like it was working. I guess (before I went and f*cked it up) we were both partly to blame for this, we just weren't talking much and it felt like we were letting ourselves drift apart because of the fact we had begin to live such seperate lives and couldn't spend that much time together due to the distance we now are apart and the fact we only really have weekends free. So I knew I guess in my heart that we would end up apart sooner or later but I didn't want it to be like this because even though we talked quite normally yesterday I still expect he dislikes me to some extent and I don't know if a close friendship between us is going to be possible but I hope it is because I need him. I need him to still love me because I still love him so much. I'm definately going to need a lot of time to get over him as I realised last night when out. All songs in this world seem to be about love and relationships in some way or just be songs that remind me of him which meant after the initial fake high I hit a low and just started crying in the middle of the dance floor. I felt this before with the last ex, who I also knew I had to part with however much I didn't want to but the feeling never gets any easier. It definately takes time, so much time sometimes. At the moment I just feel a bit lost having to adjust to everything. Just like before I've hidden all reminders, I will wear the neclace he bought me again, I will display the pictures of us, but not right now. Maybe that's not the right way to go about it, hiding away but it is the easiest. To forget, pretend.

My feelings of misery weren't really helped last night as I was rather drunk and managed to cause myself pain which in turn caused me to have panic attacks. I don't think that was helped by the mixture of all the other feelings inside me because even before the actual panic attacks I had been feeling anxious about life now, and the lonliness of it. It's not that there aren't other people that are there for me but sometimes all the people, all the attention and all the love in the world can't help you when all you want is one person there for you.

Now, after having had panic attacks, I can see me having others, just because I know now what they are like and they are scary so the fear of having one is probably going to make me atleast anxious. My confidence has also been hugely knocked and everything at the moment seems like a struggle and small things that I hopefully will be able to deal with another time, today feel like huge unbreakable obstacles.

This is not a nice feeling, to keep myself busy trying to substain fake highs but always hitting the lows, however much I do, however much I drink, and feeling as if I'll always feel down, feeling so low.

I miss him, I want so much for him to turn up here and just hold me. But now, that just wont happen.