It's been awhile and oh how I cringe

Yes it is me. It has been many years, okay so maybe months but long enough that when I read back previous posts I cringed and wondered why I'd been so honest. I'm sure at the time I believed and felt exactly what I write but now I look back I wonder why I said some things I did. It definately only takes a little time to gain some perspective. I feel I should blog more but I've been going through a stage where everything is normal and I don't have enough strong emotions about anything to write, atleast not write anything very interesting but I will be back. I just haven't decided when.

Have a little respect please ladies?

I went out to Harpers nightclub tonight and I'm a little saddened to be honest. I don't understand what goes through some womens heads when they leave for a night out. Do they want to be groped by creepy old and sleazy men? They turn up in nothing, flaunt themselves on podiums at every available oppertunity and act in a way which makes me cringe. Guys too behave awfully. Why is it ok for them to grope women in a club? They'd surely be arrested if they did it on a street during the day. People go to these clubs, destroy their bodies and their dignitys and get what out of it? I'm sure they love it but why is the question I'm asking myself. I just can't begin to understand.

Arrogance

I do think it is rather funny when people are arrogant (or should I say one person) especially when their opinion is conveyed to a friend and not you. I have to say this particular arrogance is not warranted in the slightest so he really does need to get over himself but I guess he may not really think it and it could just be a defensive thing. I guess everyone would want to think the same. But sadly for them, they are so very wrong. I'm sure he's great for someone else but not for me, as I think I can currently do no better than I already am. :D Oh and just as an after thought, I wonder if I'll ever get spoken to again. A hi might be nice but as I now see I am so very different to them, even if they wanted to be, which is unlikely, I don't think we'd ever be friends. Not that all of my current friends are the greatest people, but some are, and that's life, you can't have it all. I have the bestest boyfriend, it would be unfair to have all of the bestest friends as well. :P

That is all.

Is it time to go back yet?

Why is it you never really know how much you will miss something until you are away from it. Last time it was holidays, it was just as bad but time has a habit of making one forget that. It isn't as if University is without it's problem, stress and moments of boredom but here still doesn't compare. I had become kind of complacent about Uni and all of the things there, getting a little bored of the monotony that life at Uni has begun to become. It seems to be a lot about drinking and not a lot else but that is changeable and to be honest I don't care about those things. It is mostly the people, or should I say person that makes being away from Uni seem so dull.

Though, as I said Uni isn't without it's problems too. Mainly to do with a particular person. I know that me keeping something from them is causing them upset but it is so much more complicated than they could ever know without me explaining. It isn't that I don't trust him. I also don't entirely not want them to know but it is so hard for me to admit this weakness. I guess part of me does think they might think worse of me although I know it is unlikely. I would really like for him to understand though because I don't want to be the cause of any of his worries. I would like to be able to tell him or to be living without the thing I am unwilling to share but for the time being neither seems possible. I plan to try and resolve it one way or another but for the moment, I just want cuddles.

Where is it all going . . .

Have you ever sat and wondered that? I haven't not really because when I try and think I have no real clue so unless I'm inventing wonderful make believe future scenarios I try not to think too much about where everything is heading as I have no clue. Currently with no lessons to fill my time, Uni is seeming a little bit pointless, it's still awesome and I wouldn't be away from it but there is no reason to be here, no work to be done and it's just waiting. An endless cycle of drinking, being lazy and waiting for something to happen. I love it still but with nothing useful to do and nothing to work for it can leave me feeling quite lost. This also appears to be creeping over to other area's of my life. Boredom leads to a search for amusement and fun which in turn often leads to alot of alcohol being consumed. This is both fun and quite bad for various reasons. Firstly it hurts when I fall over and I have many bruises, secondly I am quite sure I have aquired a slightly negative reputation for always being drunk (just cos I'm a lightweight) and thirdly I often do pointless, silly things that lead to very little enjoyment and awful lot more regret. But still it happens, still the alcohol is drunk, just to cover the boredom and mask the insecurities. I do think perhaps I should stop for a bit, make my head a bit clearer as there are things I feel I need to give some proper thought to when I'm sober and awake. Trouble is I already gave thought to it and I've still no answers. I am the way I am, I don't know if I can change. Part of me wants to but part of me thinks that would be cutting down on alot of oppertunities for fun and living life to the full but I do love him so, maybe I should change my opinion of what's fun and what's important, the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but that is all that seems to happen . . .

Aren't I too young to have decisions and be goverened by rules and expectations, where has all the fun gone?

Just because I like to write

I hide away in this lonely place,
sounds echo through from other rooms but they cannot lighten my mood.
My music plays on random,
songs full of memories strike through my soul.
Emotions from the head pass,
emotions from the heart,
felt deeper, down in the soul, last a lifetime.
The light from my eyes has gone out,
an empty hole resides there instead
empty but for the sadness
My heart is heavy,
my tired body struggles to drag it around
time heals wounds, but you can never forget
when life gets to you, there they are again
ready and waiting
to kick you when you'e down.

I feel the need

Sometimes something makes you think alot, and you just feel the need to respond, and I'm not quite sure where this will go and if it should be here, but msn conversation boxes are too small to write this all there. I feel a little bit bad I guess. Because of what I was allowed to read, to look into someone else's thoughts can be very revealing and also made me think alot about myself and why I did some things/what I really thought.

I knew I wanted him, somewhere inside me, but I also was scared of the uncertainty of that where as I had someone, and they were already mine, I also happened to love them so it was very difficult to work out quite what I wanted. To start with I just realised I had feelings for him but it wasn't until I started thinking that I wasn't happy with what I already had that something happened. The fact it felt so right meant my heart took over rather than my head and things didn't happen in the way I would have chosen them to, had I been able to step out and think properly about it all and decide, knowing what I know now. I was also so entangled in my own confusing thoughts that I didn't give much thought to how he may have been feeling. Though if you ask Sophie, you'd find out that I do think a bit, its just I can be a rather confused person, and I tend to change my mind sooo much about everything just because I doubt easily, because I'm scared about something or other.

Once it was over with the over, at first, because I was scared of it being over, and because I thought I would miss the good times, and having some one who cared about me like that, and I loved him still, so I didn't want to give up on that I guess, and for a very short time I thought the ex was who I wanted more, hence any confusion that may have been caused. I didn't know what I wanted either. When you're in a close place with someone, even if it isn't right and you really want someone else, it can be scary to leave that place and sometimes that means you think you don't want to. But the necessary blow from the ex made me come to my senses and allowed me to move on, something that I actually wanted to do, just didn't know, and was scared to do/thought I wouldn't be able to. Maybe I did need more time at some points, definately at others, but I guess it was good to know that it was what he still wanted. I guess it helped in the long run. Now I know what I want, although memories always sometimes cause doubt but I know really that this is right, and this is better for me. This is what was supposed to happen, just maybe not the way it did.

2008 and 2009

Well it's that time of year again when we decide we should look back to the years that's been and forward to the one that is to come. So starting with 2008, some things I have learnt -

You can make all the plans in the world but sometimes things will just happen the way they want to.
If you're going to try and have intimate relations whilst out somewhere with wood, take cushions.
I can do my own washing, although it is inevitable that something will end up smaller than it was to start with.
Things, and people, can change so much in such a short amount of time
Trust your inuition, it is probably right.
Leaving Uni work to the last minute, it is not a good idea, especially when it involves making a short film
Making friends is a lot easier when drinking has occurred
No matter how against drinking lots of alcohol you are before going to Uni, you will still end up drunk a lot of the time
Things happen that you will regret
Karma does (probably) exist.

Well that be just a few things, I'm sure there is so much more I have learnt and just don't remember having done so this year now. So much has happened and changed this past year. I have really had three completely different stages of this year when I have been with different guys and despite the upset I wouldn't change the majority of it all, it was so much fun but now having gone to Uni I am so different but still think there is more needed to change until I am completely happy with myself. So onto next year and some resolutions -

1) Get healthier/fitter
2) Try not to get drunk every single night and do some work, get sleep instead
3) Also try not to get banned from the SU again this year
4) Work harder
5) Go to more of the society stuff and make more/closer friends
6) Learn to trust people more and be less easily jealous
7) Get better at dancing
8) Get more confident
9) Sort some stuffs out
10) Get a job
11) Learn to cook/be tidier and stuffs

There are probably more, I'm not sure at the moment, and having looked at last years, some things will also be a resolution and may never completely be achieved but we can give it ago and aslong as I keep trying that's what matters, I guess, maybe anyway. But anyways enough about me (even though this is my blog and all :P) I hope you all had a great Christmas and I hope you all have a brilliant new year and that 2009, for all of us, is the best year yet. :)

Let's just see what happens. . .

As the title suggests I've not really an idea of what I am going to say in this post. I feel the need to write but I am not sure quite what. Having recently discovered that at least one ex knows the whereabouts of this blog and knowing that the other and the current bf are aware of its existence also makes me much more cautious as to what to write not because I have things I want to necessarily hide but just things it would maybe best not for me to say just yet or at all on a blog. Never the less this place has always been my outlet for those things I just couldn't say to anyone directly and its use can be very beneficial. I think as my brain is hungover, possibly in fact still a little drunk, and in a kind of random rambling mood that is what I shall do. I think I am happy right now but I do not know. I've had sad thoughts over the holidays because at Uni it is easy to forget the past, yet here there are so many things laced with memories that my thoughts tend to wander to the past more. It's not that I want to be back there, well o.k I would love to go back for a week but that is all, I am different, and as enjoyable as the past was, I am happier to be where I am now. Although the main thing that makes me slightly unhappy is the way in which I have got to where I am now. If only we could change the past.

But anyways, to the future and now. As I said I do believe I am happy yet I am also apprehensive. Both times I have got really close to someone, it has ended in misery. The second, for a lot less time, but the first time, it was a very long time before I managed to really get over it despite it being my own doing, and what I knew was the right thing to happen. Now the main reason I am most apprehensive about allowing such a closeness to happen (tho it is very much already underway) is that this time seems much more like the first than the last one. The most recent relationship I was in, I never thought would last forever, to start with I didn't see it lasting the summer although it did and it was awesome and I did end up loving him but I still knew even then it would end. I was also (apart from maybe a month in the summer) never really as comfortable around him or able to be completely myself, I still felt like an outsider. With M and now E, I felt so comfortable with them straight away, and completely able to be myself and not care. With S it wasn't like that. With M, I thought it would last forever, maybe I was a lot more naive then, but I loved him so much and it seemed like he was my soul mate. Things change however and now this is something I fear - People and situations changing (which is, really, inevitable) because that often spells the end. I guess what I'm trying to get at here, is the fact I see so many similarities between the beginning of my relationship with M and E and between M and E themselves and as I know how the one with M ended and how long it took me to get over that, that I'm scared to allow myself to get as close again especially not now but I tend not to be able to stop myself. Another thing I wish I had the ability to stop however is my insecurity and jealousy. I guess I judge people by how I am, which means I don't find it particularly easy to trust people and also I don't think I am that great so don't see why anyone wouldn't rather choose someone else over me. I think perhaps I should think about these things when I make my new years resolutions.