Ronan Keating was right . . .

. . . Life really is a rollercoaster. I get very confused because of the rate at which my feelings and emotions change. Currently however there are two main things that are causing me problems. The first shall remain breifly mention for now, although there is a chance I may decide to edit it in later. Basically though it involves me being scared by ex will forget me completely when I want desperately to remain his best friend and also the fact that it hurts to think of him introducing his new gf to his parents like he did me, to think of him holding her and telling her he loves her, and worshipping her and adoring her more than anyone and anything in the world like he once did me and like I still in some way, do him. The second has quite a bit to do with the possibility of going to Uni in September. I don't yet know if I am as I'm yet to get my results from my A Levels but for this purpose I am presuming it is most likley. Also I am presuming my current bf will be too. And there lies the issue. Since we got together I've known it would be likely to be short lived and I expect he thought that too. It was an unspoken part of the deal it was just a casual bit of fun, I didn't want anymore especially after having just come out of a year long relationship, that was what I thought anyway. But it seems things never do go to plan. However much I may have tried (and I really have) to stop myself becoming too attached I failed. I think I have started to like him more than I've ever liked most people (I don't know if I'll ever like anyone as much as the ex but the current bf shouldn't take that as an insult or a 'I'd rather still be with the ex' because if that was the case I would be, it is more that it just happens that we have such a strong connection, I think so anyway and I love him so much, in a best friend way, that it would take an awful lot for me to like somewhen more) which although normally would be something I would try and avoid just because close attachment has to much fear of upset if it all goes wrong, in this case is worse because of the inevitable ending in a month or two. Even if he did want to actually stay with me (which considering he's likely to meet lots of posh, cleverer, more attractive girls who all want to get with him is very unlikely anyway) then I can't see it would ever work. Firslty I think he is probably almost as insecure and jealous a person as I am (most likely not as jealous as me as I get small feelings of jealousy even if he just talks to a girl I consider to be of reasonable attractiveness but that is prob more a trust issue and my insecureness) so I think both of us would spend too much time wondering if the other was cheating. Also part of me thinks it would be harder to stay together and not be able to see each other for months and months than to not be together and move on. I definately think in that case there would be the strong temptation on both sides to cheat and I would just see it ending after a while if not before we go. the fact remains though I really don't want it to. I don't know how he feels, sometimes I think he wont want it to either, but othertimes my pessimistic side comes out and I think he problem actually wont care that much and will be over me and with other Uni girls in a week. I guess I wont know unless I ask but if I don't want to bring the topic up until it really has to be spoken about. But it doesn't stop me thinking about it all the time. And crying myself to sleep at the thought of soon not being able to see so many people that are close to me for months if not years. I know it will be over in 3 years, maybe less if I fail or quit but it is still quite a long time and I'm a young girl, its an unwritten law that I should be dramatic.

I'm not really sure why I feel the need to post these thoughts but I do and it seems this is the best place to put them as although it is a public blog the liklihood of anyone I actually know stumbling accross it is low and I guess it might be good to tell the people involved these things I feel but its much too hard to share them with those that could either help or make things so much worse.

I thought things may have changed back but can it really ever be the same?

Well having just read back the last blog I posted quite a while ago now it seems very strange to think that although some things are different other things don't seem to have changed at all.

I am still with new guy but I haven't forgotten the ex. I now feel slightly closer to the 'new' guy who is no longer very new but I am still not as comfortable with him as I am with a lot of people. I currently can't imagine myself ever being as close to anyone else as I was with the ex. I am now very close friends with the ex again and we seem to have got over the awkward stage and even though there are aspects of him that annoy/dissapoint/upset me he is my best friend. Trouble is because we are now capable of having a laugh like we used to and are close it makes me wonder even more so if I did the right thing. Now I am quite sure that I did at the time but I think there is a part of me at the back of my mind thinking that maybe in the future I'll end up back with him but as time goes by I see this as more and more unlikely. Although also due to aspects of his personality this is mainly due to the fact I feel I have become so close we have crossed some imaginary line that means we can't go back and can't be close than friends and I think I would find being with him very strange indeed. Now this doesn't stop me thinking but I still love him. Don't get me wrong though, I am still very happy with 'new' guy so that doesn't particularly help the situation although I think our relationship is inevitably going to be short lived because we will soon both be at Uni's far from each other. So for now I think I'm going to go with the flow so to speak and see what happens/if what I truly want ever becomes clearer.