Where is it all going . . .

Have you ever sat and wondered that? I haven't not really because when I try and think I have no real clue so unless I'm inventing wonderful make believe future scenarios I try not to think too much about where everything is heading as I have no clue. Currently with no lessons to fill my time, Uni is seeming a little bit pointless, it's still awesome and I wouldn't be away from it but there is no reason to be here, no work to be done and it's just waiting. An endless cycle of drinking, being lazy and waiting for something to happen. I love it still but with nothing useful to do and nothing to work for it can leave me feeling quite lost. This also appears to be creeping over to other area's of my life. Boredom leads to a search for amusement and fun which in turn often leads to alot of alcohol being consumed. This is both fun and quite bad for various reasons. Firstly it hurts when I fall over and I have many bruises, secondly I am quite sure I have aquired a slightly negative reputation for always being drunk (just cos I'm a lightweight) and thirdly I often do pointless, silly things that lead to very little enjoyment and awful lot more regret. But still it happens, still the alcohol is drunk, just to cover the boredom and mask the insecurities. I do think perhaps I should stop for a bit, make my head a bit clearer as there are things I feel I need to give some proper thought to when I'm sober and awake. Trouble is I already gave thought to it and I've still no answers. I am the way I am, I don't know if I can change. Part of me wants to but part of me thinks that would be cutting down on alot of oppertunities for fun and living life to the full but I do love him so, maybe I should change my opinion of what's fun and what's important, the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but that is all that seems to happen . . .

Aren't I too young to have decisions and be goverened by rules and expectations, where has all the fun gone?

Just because I like to write

I hide away in this lonely place,
sounds echo through from other rooms but they cannot lighten my mood.
My music plays on random,
songs full of memories strike through my soul.
Emotions from the head pass,
emotions from the heart,
felt deeper, down in the soul, last a lifetime.
The light from my eyes has gone out,
an empty hole resides there instead
empty but for the sadness
My heart is heavy,
my tired body struggles to drag it around
time heals wounds, but you can never forget
when life gets to you, there they are again
ready and waiting
to kick you when you'e down.