This feels a bit like confessions.

I think I'm OK with writing this as I don't think either of the people mostly involved will read this and I think it would be OK if they did.

There's different types of love, the one where you feel so comfortable with someone even if you hardly know them and can't imagine not being with them and there's the crush type where you go all giggly and run away whenever they're about.

The trouble with the first type - it either ends in a lifelong relationship or heartache. In this case it's the second. It isn't either of our faults though, but I was the one to utter those dreaded words 'perhaps we should just be friends'. We both knew it was going to happen though, and he understood the reasons, at least I hope he did and wasn't just saying it. Love can be amazing, especially this type, the one where they're not your normal type, or you can't describe why you love them so much but the problem comes when that feeling, that thing that you can't describe or pinpoint goes, and you're left with nothing. I thought after everything, there would still be a close unbreakable bond but there doesn't seem to be, perhaps it will reappear over time but at the moment I feel I've lost him forever. I long for that feeling, that person I loved before but there doesn't seem any chance that will come back.

There's also another guy. Something that means my emotions are in a complete muddle and I have no idea what I really feel or think, well I know what feel at the moment but I've no idea if it will last. Because for this guy, it's the second type of 'love'. The love that is more a crush. Now sometimes these crushes turn into something and sometimes they don't but there is no way of knowing beforehand. I don't feel totally comfortable around him, in fact I'm constantly aware of what I say and do and think it is only a matter of time before I do or say something that makes him think why do I like her? I considered this guy to be out of my league, to be the sort of guy you always think 'would be cool to f*** him' but never think there's a chance of it actually happening so the fact this guy likes me is confusing. This guy isn't currently my boyfriend, but I'd also be lying if I said we were purely friends and that is confusing in itself. I know from what I have just said that you're probably thinking this guy is why I broke up with the previous guy. But it's not. That was always going to happen, we knew it, I knew it wayyy before I liked this new guy.

Actually if I'm being totally honest there's more to add here. Me and the last guy went on a break, and that was because I liked someone else who isn't the newest guy. I foolishly thought that all I needed or wanted was a break where I could get with that guy for a bit, get it out of my system, have some single time, then could go back to him and it would be back like it was at the beginning. I'd fall back in love with him, the spark would return. I was wrong. Whilst on the extremely short lasting break, I enquired about the other guy but found that he wasn't interested. Now I think now this was just a 'he's so different to the current guy I want him' kind of a crush but at the time I didn't realise but when I found he wasn't interested I went back to the original guy. I know that was the worse thing to do, but I was lonely, and I had exams and was stressed and needed one of his hugs that made me feel like everything was alright. So we ended up back together but it wasn't the same, I think we both knew really that it wouldn't last for long, we were being 'coupley' because we had to be, but we saw hardly any of each other outside of college but I thought perhaps it would work out, I still hoped it could go back to how it was.

Then comes along the new guy. He isn't the reason I broke up with the other one though. Knowing that he was there for me after was purely the encouragement and confidence I needed to break off my, over a year lasting, relationship that I had once loved so much. I had known, deep in my heart, at the back of my mind, for many many months, that things had changed that we were too different for it to last much longer but I'm human I didn't want to end up alone and I kept remembering the past and thinking about how good it had been and trying to think about the current state of affairs. Occasionally during that time it did seem like it was returning to the good times, but towards the end of the relationship it was clear those times had been lost forever. However strongly I had once loved him, however much I still did and however how much I knew he loved me, I knew, we both knew, that it was pointless to continue. Now, it seems that we have so little in common, are so different in every aspect that without a relationship forcing us together we can't even be close friends.

I keep seeing things he bought me, things I bought when with him, things that just remind me of him for some small reason and it makes me sad, makes me feel empty, I feel something like minor grieving for that past feeling (why didn't I realise how good it was at the time, I don't think I made the most of it), makes me wonder if I've done the right thing. I know, I think that I have, but all the time I can remember the good times I will long to be back there. I've been tempted a few times already to ask him if he'll have my back but I know I shouldn't, I can't. I took the photo of us two together down today, I hadn't been able to do so before, that's stupid I know. Besides, there's the new guy, although I've no idea where that will go or how long anything will last. I hardly know him really, and I'm still so nervous and shy around him, he may realise once he knows the real me he no longer likes me but that might just be my negative side coming out. Having ended with the other guy so little time ago (although it seems like ages) I don't know if I can be with this new guy, I don't know how it will affect the ex. I'm not sure I've totally adjusted to being apart from him yet, it's so weird being in that 'place' with someone who isn't him. New guy says things, does things that remind me of the ex and I feel guilty and sad. Also if/when whatever ends with new guy and I end up alone again, who knows whether I'll long to be back with the other guy or whether I'll know then for sure, that I did do the right thing. But for now, I think I just need time to adjust, time to let go of, but not to forget the good times.